Honestly, I don't think I've ever felt so shit in all my life. At the start of the day there were some minuscule problems, like having overdue psychology work and more than my fair share of mocks due in. These things maybe affected me subconsciously but weren't a factor in the decline of my mental stability until the other problems started piling up. There were then the 'minor' problems - which aren't really minor at all, but are minor compared to how I'm feeling right now - which include having to deal with someone whose intentions I'm not entirely sure about. I mean to say that she's messing me about a bit. This lack of clarity is making me uncertain about the entire friendship and at the moment I'm not even able to be around her without becoming extremely stressed. I apologise for mentioning that because I know that she can be lovely, but everyone has two sides, and being completely honest with myself and others is a huge part of my therapy. Another of these 'minor' problems was finding out the extent of my Fibromyalgia.
My case of Fibromyalgia is believed to be genetic, as my mum suffers from the same condition. When I was younger, I suffered from recurring bouts of pain in my legs, which were always perceived to be "growing pains" until they continued into my mid-teens (although I haven't grown in at least two years). Even though the pain was debilitating, as a youngster I was excited to have the "growing pains" because, well, what kid isn't excited to grow? But as a teenager they're becoming less and less welcome. Rushing from the bus stop to the college door becomes a full-on workout for my legs - which have always been the worst affected area. To solve this problem I've begun catching an earlier bus, so I don't have to walk as fast, although this means getting up early. When I was diagnosed I wasn't well informed about the condition; I was just told that I need to eat healthily and take it easy. I learnt the rest from my mum and grandma. Today, I decided I wasn't comfortable with only half the picture and decided to research into it a bit further (but only on the NHS website of course, which I feel is the most reliable source). To my dismay, I realised I was having lots of the other symptoms, too... symptoms I didn't even know existed and were a part of my Fibromyalgia.
"As well as widespread pain, people with Fibromyalgia may also have: increased sensitivity to pain, fatigue (extreme tiredness), muscle stiffness, difficulty sleeping, problems with mental processes (known as "fibro-fog") such as problems with memory and concentration, headaches and IBS."
It was genuinely the first time I'd ever heard about any of this, besides the muscle problems. Of course, those who know me will know I'm always tired. When I lie down to sleep, it just doesn't happen, and this leaves me with a lot of sleep debt that I'm unable to 'pay off'. I also suffer from some stiffness in the muscles, which usually only occurs near my elbow when I'm carrying bags, or, again, in my legs. I do suffer from some headaches, although they usually don't manifest themselves enough to bother me. What does bother me, however, is the "fibro-fog". And I bloody hate the name of it because it sounds so happy, but it's making me the most miserable person right now. Although I didn't know it existed until today, little did I know I wrote a blog about it only a few weeks ago, which you can find HERE. In it I talk in more depth about my memory loss, and what I believed the causes of it were, although we know now that I was completely wrong. Well... not entirely wrong, because also on the NHS website was a segment about the causes of Fibromyalgia:
"The condition appears to be triggered by a physically or emotionally challenging event, such as: an injury or infection, giving birth, having an operation, the breakdown of a relationship, or the death of a loved one."I won't go too far into it because it feels like I'd be trying to convince you that I have the condition - which is not something I'm prepared to do - but I will say that 3/5 of those criteria have happened to me in the last 6 months. I have a recurring infection in a gland in my leg, which at times returns so badly that surgery is considered, whilst I've also split up with Jayson and lost my Grandad recently. I've also been avoiding lessons in which I'm aware I'd need to seriously work, because I cannot concentrate for long enough to complete it. Nor am I in any position to stress myself out further. Now I know my concentration issue is a part of my illness I've been able to accept that part of myself, and provide a medical reason as to why I can't attend. Most teachers have been extremely sympathetic about it.
But what annoys me - what really annoys me - is how it's affecting my ability to maintain a relationship. Since I've started at college I have tried to feel something, anything, but nope, nothing's happening. I mean, I've peaked at times, but my emotions are still really confusing to me. Because of this I feel like I'm letting people down and that's the last thing I want. I have never disliked myself this much.
Meaghan xx
